The Power of Bacon and Dolly

I have been remiss in my blogging.  I have many good excuses:  I have been fighting a bad cold, trying to finalize my lease of an apartment that took me an epic 5 months to find, and as I have mentioned before, I have commitment issues.  What do you expect, people?! In my life, procrastination can wage a wily campaign. It’s a battle, and often it wins. Also, there has been little to report. I am sorry to say that my victorian-styled personal ad has not as yet secured me a suitable suitor. That’s not to say there hasn’t been a plethora of gentleman showing interest in my shapely ankles and love of bacon.  Oh, indeed there has! Most recently, one gentleman who emailed me wrote,”u needed a little zep in your life”.  I am not even sure what that means. Another simply wrote, “bacon, bacon,  bacon….BACON!”

Surprisingly my Victorian ad, which says really nothing about me as person, and has only the mysterious image of me from this blog, where my face is completely obscured, has in fact generated considerably more attention than my “real” personal ad that outlines my many interests and showcases images of me in various daily life scenarios.

At the very least it has been an interesting social experiment in what men on dating websites really find interesting. Clearly a little mystery goes a long way. But who knew what magic could come from the mere mention of bacon? I would have to say, about 95% of those men who have messaged me through my Victorian-styled personal ad have commented (at times salaciously!) on my mention of bacon in my ad. Somehow, I must try to work bacon and a little mystery into my “real” personal ad and see if this improves traffic to my profile.

Traffic or not though, I am not convinced, despite my many, many years of commitment to the on-line dating strategy, that this is how I will actually meet my Mr. Darcy. Recently I came across a bus stop posting that I thought might prove more promising.   It was an invitation to a Jane Austen era inspired dance by an organization called  Jane Austen Dancing.  I was amazed that such a thing exists, but even more amazing was that the event was sold out! They have a Christmas ball coming up however, and I just may see if I can cajole some friends into going with me. It could be fun or weird and painful, but undoubtedly there will be SEVERAL Mr. Darcies to choose from there!

Still there is also no harm in keeping my two internet ads up and seeing what happens.  In fact, just the other day, I emailed someone from my Victorian-styled ad who is “looking for someone who still believes in chivalry”. Well, Stookie, likes to have doors opened for her! Sure, she may trip across the threshold,  red-faced and uttering some non-sensical thanks that sounds more like an apology, but she loves it just the same. So who knows. It’s worth a shot, right?

I know Dolly Parton would agree. She once said: “You’ll never do a whole lot unless you’re brave enough to try.”   Beside the likes of Amelia Earhart and Lady Gaga, I think I would be remiss not to add the name of Miss Dolly Parton, to my growing list of interesting people. Sure lots of people make fun of her, but I’ve always really loved Dolly Parton.  She has an unwavering sense of purpose  and commitment to that purpose that’s hard not to admire. She recorded her first song at the age of 13.  She has since composed over 3,000 songs, and remains one of the best selling artists of all time. She’s approaching her 50th wedding anniversary to her husband Carl, who she met at the Wishy Washy laundromat the first day she arrived in Nashville to pursue her music career at the age of 18. So I think there are some things I could learn from Dolly about commitment and purpose and certainly, about being interesting! In an effort to learn what I can, I have started reading her autobiography .

In case you’re skeptical , or have forgotten just how great Dolly Parton can be, I have a little exercise for you.  I want you to rate how you are feeling right now on a scale of 1 to 10 and then I  challenge you to watch this video of  one of her most famous duets (and now a Karaoke favourite!)  ALL THE WAY THROUGH, and rate yourself again on that scale after you’ve watched it.  I will be amazed if you don’t feel a little cheered after.  That’s the power of Dolly! I’d like to hear how you found this little exercise!

In terms of the re-education exercise of posting a personal ad in the Victorian style, I think its important to note that I have certainly learned a good deal.  Let’s review:

(1) Mystery and bacon can take you far.

(2) It’s useful to move out of your comfort zone sometimes and connect with yourself in a new way, like when you decide to wear the dress that’s been at the back of your closet for years. Tapping into myself in the Victorian way allowed me to open up to the possibility of people I otherwise might not have approached or considered as a match….and I also learned, that probably that’s for a good reason!

And so, while I am not abandoning my internet dating efforts, I think it is now time for me to turn my hand to something new….What will it be?? Stay tuned.  Once I have moved into my new apartment (this weekend – Yay!), I will refocus my re-education efforts, bringing renewed energy to whatever new learning lies ahead for me!

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Netherfield Is Let At Last!

My Victorian styled personal ad has now been up for a week.  Given the feedback I received from my readers, and in the hopes of luring not only a gentleman who is gallant, but one that has a sense of humour too,  I went with the following posting:

Genteel Spinster with bad knees, an increasingly unreliable memory, and yet who still valiantly hangs on to her sunny, amiable disposition (and her illusions), AND who has reached the elevated age of two and forty with nary one matrimonial offer, seeks an acquaintance with a gentleman, with a view to matrimony. Any gentleman will do. All responses will be considered and GREATLY appreciated. 

I also added the following details based on readers’ feedback:

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?     Only the most lady-like of activities, to be sure!

I AM REALLY GOOD AT: Dancing and fanning myself at social gatherings.

THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME: My red hair….and shapely ankles.

FAVOURITE BOOKS, MOVIES, SHOWS, MUSIC, FOOD: I’ve been told I should mention that I LOVE bacon, and anything by Miss Jane Austen.

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT: A good cup of tea, my knitting needles, a favourite book, friends, family, and bacon.

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE IF: You are a good-hearted, gallant gentleman, with an adventurous spirit.

Within the first ten minutes of posting my ad, I had a visit from a guy from Salt Lake City, Utah (A Mormon, I suspect, that found me using the keyword search “matrimony”), and from a guy, with a long grey beard, standing on his head. I was also messaged by a fella from Florida who “liked my picture”. It’s a portrait of Jane Austen, but I think he actually thought it was a picture of me.

Portrait of Jane Austen

Unfortunately, as I suspected, OkCupid, the website where I posted my Victorian styled personal ad, has already eliminated my “photo” as it was not a true representation of me.  True, but I’ll be damned if I am going to attach a real photo of me to this particular ad! So, we shall have to see whether the added element of mystery of “no photo added”  is a help or a hindrance. So, far I have been surprised by the number of hits my ad continues to generate.  In addition to those already mentioned,  I seem to be very popular with people from the State of Washington, which I can’t explain at all, and with women, which makes much more sense to me.  Likely, the women are doing a keyword search for “Mr. Darcy“. Oh,this legacy of so many unrequited Mr. Darcy love yearnings!  Surely, it would make Miss Jane Austen, herself, feel faint if she were alive today!

For those of you who have had the good fortune to avoid the use of dating websites, you might not realize that there are literally hundreds of these kinds of sites on the internet to choose from.  I wanted to find just the right home for my Victorian-styled personal ad, and so I researched a variety of options. After realizing that the Gothic dating sites were not in fact for lovers of Gothic fiction, as I had hoped, but for modern-day Goth subculture lovers, I looked at other options that might be a better fit.  Thinking about my love of bacon and how nice it would be to live in a sprawling Victorian country estate, I next perused the country dating sites, and found http://www.countryconnections.org/.  But, this didn’t seem quite right either.  Then I recalled that in Jane Austen’s books the women always aspired to wed a wealthy, well-bred gentleman, so I looked for dating sites featuring wealthy men and found this site – http://wealthymen.com/. In the end though, Jane Austen’s characters always married for love not money, so I continued my search, and found a staggering number of prison dating sites, which, out of curiosity, I contemplated briefly. Finally, I started unearthing some dating sites that had real potential – dating websites for book lovers! The best one I found (that was free) is called http://alikewise.com/, where people list their favourite books and connect with others based on book preferences.  So, I posted on alikewise.com, however, it turns out there aren’t very many Torontonians on that site.

In the end, after taking a rather circuitous route, researching all my online dating site options, I chose to post on the website I am already using – my ol’ standby – OkCupid.com.  OkCupid is one of the biggest free dating websites on the net, but what clinched my decision was the discovery of their “Jane Austen Heroine Test”! I can report, with an appropriate amount of humility and just a hint of rosy pride in my cheeks, that I am most like Elizabeth Bennet, the heroine from Pride and Prejudice.

And so, let’s hope that my rather bold/potentially creepy-weird move of posting a Victorian styled personal ad on a modern-day dating website will help my own Mr. Darcy find me among the 3.5 million registered users on OkCupid, and that he too will feel compelled to say to me:

In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

Genteel Spinster Seeks Gentleman

Okay, sure, I missed my deadline for posting my personal ad in the 19th century style. I will confess to being quite reluctant around completing this particular reader suggestion. Truth is I am not sure whether posting a personal ad in 19th century style will make me more interesting or just more weird. While many people who are interesting are so largely because of their weirdness (Tim Burton, Lady Gaga), it is easy enough to accidentally slide from lovingly eccentric to creepy-weird. Take, as an example, Paul Reuben‘s Pee Wee Herman character, a once beloved and brilliant comedic character. It is now, years later, almost impossible to see his image and not still feel a little creeped out by it. I fear that my placing an on-line personal ad in 19th century style may put me in the “creepy-weird” category too.

Still I have been doing a little research in preparation for posting my “lonely hearts” ad. Over dinner one night, as I recounted the trials and tribulations of my re-education project to a friend, she suggested that I read Jane Austen to get into the 19th century romantic mood. I thought this was a great idea. I love Jane Austen, and from who better to learn the ins and outs of 19th century romance. At yoga class the next day (yes, see, I still do go to yoga class!), she brought me a beat-up copy of Jane Austen’s Persuasion, a book that I have never read. It is also very appropriately about a woman, just like me, seeking love “well past her first bloom”, except that I am wellhellya past my first bloom. I have also found a few books written specifically on the subject of 19th century personal ads and the history of the personal ads:

                       

I also stumbled on-line upon a blog by a woman who recently completed her PhD on 19th century personal ads! She has decided to blog about the “funny, strange, poignant and just plain bizarre personal ads” she’s come across in her research. You can find her fascinating blog at http://www.advertisingforlove.com/ .  It has proven to be a goldmine of good (and some very bad) ideas for my own personal ad. Here are some examples that she has cited on her blog:

A gentleman of refinement, education, and high-toned honor, belonging to an excellent family, a stranger in this part of the world, would be happy to begin a confidential correspondence with a well-bred and accomplished young lady, 18 or 20 years old, of find personal appearance and beautiful face, and occupying a good position in the best circles of society, with a view to matrimony. Good and satisfactory reasons can be given for this address to the ladies of New York; and he hopes that the honest impulses of his heart will inspire confidence in his honor and elicit proper responses from sincere parties. Address [?] Van Berg, New York city Post office.

An American gentleman, thirty years of age, wishes to form the acquaintance of some American lady (an orphan preferred), not less than 18 nor more than 24 years of age, with a view to matrimony. She must be of the highest respectability, prepossessing and genteel in appearance, of good education, accustomed to good society and of a loving disposition. Any lady answering the above can do so with the utmost confidence, as all communications will be strictly confidential, and letters returned when requested; for this means just what it says, nothing more and nothing less. Address for three days, giving real name and where can be seen (none others will be noticed), Knickerbocker, box 164 Herald office.

Clearly, not unlike today, finding a mate in 19th century society would be easier for me, if I was about 20 years younger. By 19th century standards (and possibly by 21st century standards too), I have reached the age of spinsterhood. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the term “spinster”:

A spinster, or old maid, is an older, childless woman who has never been married.

For a woman to be identified as a spinster, age is critical. A “spinster” is not simply a “single” woman, but a woman who has not formed a human pair bond by the time she is approaching or has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan.[1]

“If someone is a spinster, by implication she is not eligible (to marry); she has had her chance, and been passed by,” explains Robin Lakoff in Language and Woman’s Place.

Jesus, that’s harsh! It is disheartening to say the least, and more like utterly crushing. It is, in 19th century speak, a dastardly definition! DASTARDLY!!!!

I first started to think about myself as entering the vile spinsterhood last year, while I was in Scotland. Interestingly enough, if you believe Wikipedia‘s siting of the Oxford Dictionary, the origins of the term Spinster began a mere 3 kilometers away from where I was staying in Scotland, in a little village called Tranent: a place, it should be noted, that also has a bit of the old maid vibe about it. Let’s just say, Tranent is definitely not a place listed on tourists’ dance cards. Apparently, the term “spinster’ was first used in Tranent during medieval times to refer to women who earned a living spinning wool, and who were thereby less in need of a man for financial support.

Anyway, dastardly as it may be, I think there is no escaping it – I will have to identify myself as a “spinster” in any 19th century personal ad that I create.

Here is a personal ad I could have responded to, if I was alive in the 19th century:

—“I hereby give notice to all unmarried women that I, John Hobnail, am at this writing five-and-forty, a widower, and in want of a wife. As I wish no one to be mistaken, I have a good cottage, with a couple of acres of land, for which I pay 2L. a year. I have five children, four of them old enough to be in employment; three sides of bacon, and some pigs ready for market. I should like to have a woman fit to take care of her house when I am out. I want no second family. She may be between forty and fifty, if she likes. A good stirring woman would be preferred, who would take care of the pigs.” ~Blackwood ~True Sun | London, Middlesex | Thursday, February 02, 1837 | Page 6 1842 (The Lonely Hearts of Yesterday: Love & Mischief in 19th Century Personal Ads, by Laura Schaefer).

I do like bacon!

Also seemingly important to highlight in my 19th century styled personal ad will be my “genteel” temperament, my good education, my good position in society, and my ability to keep a nice home. I will have to make it clear in my ad, that I have “a view to matrimony” as well. Well, okay then. In truth, I imagine that no woman in her right mind would post a personal ad in the 19th century. It would be considered very unladylike to do so. As it happens I also think that no woman in their right mind would post a 19th century personal ad today either. But, I will anyway….and VERY anonymously.

Here are a couple of options I am considering posting. I will await your feedback before I post:

Genteel Spinster seeks Gentleman: A lady of good education with an untarnished reputation seeks the acquaintance of a gentleman of equally good character to pursue a correspondence, with a view to matrimony. She is very handsome in appearance with auburn hair, maintaining a healthy, attractive rose in her cheek and possessing a youthful, engaging energy. She is equally adept at hosting dinner parties and keeping a comfortable, well-appointed home as she is at creating a homey campsite in the wilds. She is amiable with many respectable social connections, and enjoys the many social opportunities these connections provide her with. Being a good stirring woman, well-travelled, with an agreeable disposition and a curious mind, she is accomplished at many things, and seeks a companionship that is adventurous and stimulating. Responses from all good-hearted, gallant gentleman will be received in confidence and with warmest sincerity.

Or:

Genteel Spinster with bad knees, an increasingly unreliable memory, and yet who still valiantly hangs on to her sunny, amiable disposition (and her illusions), AND who has reached the elevated age of two and forty with nary one matrimonial offer, seeks an acquaintance with a gentleman, with a view to matrimony. Any gentleman will do. All responses will be considered and GREATLY appreciated.

Let me know what you think. I will also attach this portrait of Jane Austen as my profile picture:

Portrait of Jane Austen